As I was reflecting this week on my teaching and the progression of the year with my third graders, I kept returning to the topic of behavior. I do not have many behavior issues in my classroom this year but in my 23 years of teaching there have been some difficult years. However through the years I have come to realize that the misbehavior that may happen in my classroom has nothing to do with me. There is a deeper root of the behavior – something I wished I had known and been advised about in the earlier years of my teaching. But just like in many situations, we learn from experience and we gain the wisdom as we travel through those life experiences. Each experience I have had as an educator has made me the type of educator that I am today.
Yesterday, when I sat down to read Tara Martin’s book, Be Real, I had to stop and reflect as I read “Sometimes we have to push data aside and find out who is underneath that hard shell. Most of the time, the frustrations and hurtful actions, be it from adults and students, has nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with something buried deep inside the heart and mind of that individual. Until we discover the why- or root of the behavior, the REAL learning will be challenging to execute.” This is exactly what I have been reflecting on all week. – Finding the why- the root of the behavior.
It makes such a difference when we take time to investigate the why. Misbehavior does not happen just to happen. There is a reason for it. When our students misbehave there is a cause. I feel that as educators it is imperative that we find out that cause, that WHY. Our students deserve that. If we can identify the why, then we may save this child years of misunderstanding and we could possibly change his or her path in life. Finding out the why may also lead us to realizing that we can’t solve it on our own and this child need more professional help. But we can not sit back and blame the behavior and let the child continue to slip through the cracks and never acknowledge the behavior. Otherwise the child moves through the educational system constantly being misunderstood. We have to take the time to learn about our students and build relationships. In order to get to the why we need to know our kids.
We need to take the time to build a rapport with them and let them know that we care. They need to know that they matter and we love them. This is the first step in building their trust. When we build that trust our students will be more apt to open up and share what is really happening in their lives. Does this take time? Absolutely! But how can we not take the time?
In Martin’s book she talks about working with a nearly retired teacher who did not appreciate Tara’s help. Every time they met, the teacher was resistant and unwilling to budge with her beliefs and Tara’s new ideas. One day Tara decided to throw out the data and the work and GET REAL. Tara had to be a bit vulnerable and honest in her approach but she knew that it was necessary to move forward. As it turns out, the teacher was suffering from the loss of her mother that previous summer. Tara’s enthusiasm and personality reminded her of her mother. This in turn added to her pain and suffering.
This story brought me to tears. The vulnerability and compassion that Tara had to reveal in that moment changed the trajectory of the future meetings with this teacher. This teacher saw how much Tara cared about her and how much she was investing in her. For the rest of her last year of teaching, this teacher became an example to others in her school.
Our kids need the same! Our kids need us to have compassion and vulnerability when we are addressing their behaviors. Our kids need to know that we believe in them. IF they know that, then we possibly can change their educational road.
I had the opportunity this year as I moved from second grade to third grade to loop with half of my students. I have one particular student who came to me towards the end of second grade. He was a child with many behavior problems and would end up in the office several times during the week. I knew that I had to work on building a relationship with him and his parents. It was imperative to his success. The last few months of second grade were rough but as I invested in our relationship I could see small changes in him.
Fast forward to this year- we have built such a good relationship that the misbehavior is minimal. I understand him and he understands me. He also knows that I care and believe in him. In this process, I had to figure out the why. This child misbehaves when the learning gets too difficult for him. So I knew I had to work on the growth mindset aspect first and be very intentional with my action. I need him to know that I believe in him and his abilities. I provide opportunities for him to work in small groups with me to address his challenges. As of now, rarely does this child exhibit misbehavior and he is excited to come to school. He shows effort even when it is difficult and he tries to learn from his mistakes.
What would it be like if I did not take the time to get to the root of the behavior- the why? This child deserves to have success and know that he matters. He deserves to know what it feels like to have someone believe in him and help him develop the confidence he needs to move forward.
As educators we have to take the time to know our students and discover the WHY!